I'm scared
I'm scarred
An open wound
Nowhere to go.
My mind in turmoil
It aches with thinking
Oh so tired
I want to hide
Wish sleep would overtake me
The afternoon to creep away
In dreamless dreaming
Into the night,
Once again
I'm lost for answers
Once again just so confused.


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I'm invisible,
I'm hiding,
I'm avoiding myself.
I'm struggling
With the obvious
Which is struggling with me.
No answers
No questions,
Fragile thoughts
That disappear
The door is hiding
Confusion blinding
Every thought
Every fear

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Angry.

The wreckage of fallen humanity

is washed up on our shores,

the tragedies and the horrors,

like waves upon our sands.

our beach is littered with the bodies

of those who lie silenced in their pain and suffering.

refugees and orphans

the lost and the forlorn.

yet the children play,

with coloured balls

their umbrellas and their towels,

a respectful distance from the carnage

is a game of beach cricket.

Blood in the sand.

There is blood spilt on the sand.

The wreckage of grief and suffering

falling at our feet

we are playing games,

deaf, dumb and blind,

the wreckage on our shores.

A time to go, perhaps?

A thousand hallelujahs

I've sung to no avail,

ten thousand psalms

and spiritual songs

again and again

and again.

A regimen of reading,

chapter, book

and verse,

Oh God I tried,

the disciplines

but they never seemed to work.

shallowness and emptiness

no match for my unrest

for prayerful persistence,

inconsistent at our best.

Sensible and serious

chaos and charisma,

I looked for authenticity

the answer? Not at all.

is it worth the curiosity

do I pause for one last glance,

that the party dancing on the stage

perhaps there's still a chance

that they may see my fallen form,

but too busy in all their glee,

they are caught in heaven's thrill

I guess it must be me.

Goodbye,

I'm leaving now

goodbye.

Dancing

I am a wall, flowering,

turning my petals

away,

from the glare,

from the bright lights,

those giddy lights

of laughter

and smiles

and music.

What of these hands and feet?

Can I,

am I able,

to walk over and continue

the steps we learnt so few years ago.

And oh we danced,

drunk on the intoxication,

the whirling of love

that was liberated from

cheap hollowness.

I turn my back and pray that the wall,

would swallow me,

just a minute would do,

as my mind waltzes around and around

and around.

Your eyes catch mine

even though I am attempting to be

deaf, dumb and blind

and the waltz becomes

a mosh pit

and my anxiety triumphs

over reason.

Can I dance again?

They play my tunes,

and my heart shouts out screaming,

you have no rights

to bare my soul.

How, did I find myself

inside this ballroom,

how did this ballroom find it's place in me?

I am crippled,

I am drunk,

I am stone, cold, dangerously

sober.

Oh God,

what do I do with your eyes

for my heart is frightened

of freedom

and freedom has yet to reveal

her hand.

If I could find permission
Would I choose this life?
If I could affirm my choices
Would this be my plan.
If I could map a course,
If I could dance to my tune
If I could...
Would I?



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Beyond today

Beyond today
There is the answer that only tomorrow can bring.
It lies dormant and still,
It is lifeless,
Shapeless
Unformed.
I am restless for tomorrow,
Impatient to see it's light and it's shadows.
I hurry forward, leaning on the minutes and hours
As if my weight will open it's doors.
Today is lost to me.
It is spent waiting and watching,
snaring reality,
Stealing my life
Snatching my dreams.
How can I return
To dance the day,
How can I rise
To life in the now and not the not yet.
Help me live this day,
In the beauty of each moment
A heartbeat that says "now" as life continues into
The dreams that a lifetime of moments
Will bring into today.


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Where now.

Honesty is hard when I don't know who I am.

It's like opening an old diary,

and discovering another you.

I thought I had moved on,

I thought that, perhaps, I'd changed.

I thought, I thought.

So what now of this familiar friend

struggling to shake free from years of confusion and regret.

For yesterday may again become today and then tomorrow

What of the journey that began with such intensity.

I can feel the rising of another momentous tide,

and again my anchors may break free

and I will be carried along with the flood.

I look at them, nice, earnest and genuine,

but looking deepens the divide until

I can no longer stretch

and I have to choose.

I thought I had changed.

I thought, I thought

I thought.

The death of spirituality

Here we are,
Hands upheld,
Faces to the ceiling,
My friends,
It's the death of spirituality.
Here again,
Hearts aglow,
Minds emptied,
No engagement
It's the death of spirituality..
Has anyone truly engaged
With the plight of fallen mankind..
Has anyone
Looked into the eyes
Of the hurting, lost and lonely me,
And you..
It's the end of of spirituality.



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Oh hell

It's been years and the wreckage feels like an slow stripping of my soul.
What is mental illness?
What is bipolar?
Where is the line?
The boundary that says I'm I'll here and well there.
Here, so many years after the sanctuary or the island and the first floor balcony
I am incredibly empty and even more so... Alone.
Oh life,
Spirit beyond comprehension
On the other side of such frail faith,
Do you have an answer for me?
Is there a plan,
Is there sanctuary and solitude.
Of my God,
I am so alone.

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