I am awake
alert,
puzzled,
as if someone
turned on the light
in a familiar room...
just not the one
i fell asleep in.

I am home.
really home.
I am met with a simple reflection
that is simply
me.

where have I been?
why did I run so far?
have I been on a
rip van winkle adventure
but with eyes wide open?

and all around me
I find my life again,
just as I had left it,
and it greets my return
with a knowing smile
and gentleness.


I am home.
at last
thank God.

I am free.
I have discovered me
by running away
to be someone else;
someone else
who missed
being me.

the reflection smiles back
and I apologise.
not shrinking back
but quietly understanding
forgiving,
accepting.

and, for the first time
in a longtime,
i think the suit fits,
and it looks quite
snappy.

Thank God

to live in the moment
is to deny the fear of tomorrow
and turn away from the shame
of yesterday.

to live in the moment
is to live
fully alive and aware.
not carelessly
but loved and loving.

to live in the moment
is to extend to all
the same gifts that you seek
freeing them from guilt
and expectations

i wish to live in the moment.

life has weaved her magic
unobserved
there have been plantings
and harvests
and workers in the fields
and I have been blithely unaware.

life is making her journey through me
I am immersed in her weavings
gentle fingers working a tapestry of colours
while I scurry about pretending to live.

a river runs through me.
her waters are deep and clear
for she is unpolluted by fear and anxiety
I am carried downstream
a dreamer who is swimming by reflex

life meets me
before, during and after,
from time past
through the seconds that tick by
to the future unformed
yet known and planned in eternity.

life.
she lives
in me.
I am a passenger
with a license
to drive
from the back seat.

totally surprised by the first step.
not at all what I expected.
the day wrapped me
in her adventure
and weaved a magic
that was sweet
in it's simplicity.
another day
i wonder what she will bring?

the time has come
it's decision day
no more endless circling
accelerating
decelerating
the lights have been green for ages
there is a traffic jam behind you
for God's sake let out the clutch
point your life towards anywhere
and go.
open the soft top
feel the wind in your hair
turn up the music of life
and live.

stretch you wings
dive in
float downstream
soar above the clouds
climb every mountain
have yourself a cliche experience
but,
damn it,
bloody let go.

the time has come.
It's decision day
if you're still here tomorrow
i'll be really pissed off.

come on mate,
be brave
it's ok
no more hiding
no more role playing
the alternatives are unecessary,
they demand you play your part.
take your bow,
take your leave
blow them all a kiss
you may have to shake some of their dust from your shoes.
but
the time has come,
it's decision day.

embrace yourself
speak peace to your soul
you have permission to be you.
hold your lover closer than the others
for
love is the one true thing

ready
set?

Ah the confusion of it all,
the nagging guilt,
the damning doubt
the darkness
that refuses to leave the light.
I am stuck in the middle,
caught in between
yesterday
and tomorrow,
this anxious day
that burst into
my bed.
my soul is confused,
it has lost it's knowing.
unsure,
and rattled,
it dances uncomfortably
within me,
pacing around the deep dark places,
searching for something
that it knows is there
but refuses to be found.
Oh day,
you call me,
kicking and screaming,
into a reality that
I do not want to face.

being in
living out.
feeling small
seeing tall

feeling frail
being brave
seeing night
living light

wishing dreams
seeking truth
running blind
renewing mind

Friend.

hey!
you!
who invited your intrusion?
it certainly wasn't me.
oh, you care,
do you?
love?
you stare down my life
searching for flaws
researching failures.
you carry your script
demanding my recital
producing each episode
a critic, callous,
a puppeteer, proud,
and i am stuffed full of your thoughts
until my heart fails me
and i surrender,
apologising,
a puppy,
with it's tail between it legs.
well excuse me as I take my leave.
let me depart with this gift,
a mirror
with my name etched onto the glass.
have a ball.

i'm waiting for God knows what.
Regretting all that I should have forgot,
i am slowly sinking in the sand
as the waves break upon the shore
of my tomorrows.

yes,
life is relentless.
it is given
it is growing'
and pausing to ponder
only leaves us behind.

I'm waiting for God knows
all that i'm remembering, yes it shows,
but i can lift my feet from the sand
and take hope as love in my hand.

as the waves break on the shores
of my tomorrows
will i take leave from
all of my sorrows.

let it rain,
let it pour
show me a sunshower
a rainbow
hope.

I woke today, Good Friday, to the tragedy and triumph of the cross.

The local bike club have their compound at the end of Deb's street. They were preparing for a 'run' this weekend. Harley after Harley roared past our morning cuppa, straddled by a heavily tattooed male, greying, balding and overweight. I thought of Jesus and his disciples and reflected how much more they were like these outlaws than those who were gathering in churches all around Maitland this morning.

Jerusalem must have been insulted by the triumphal entry, the Galileans must have looked so 'working-class', so rag tag Hicksville, so undesirable.

I thought of the politics of Herod, the Power of Pilate, the piety of Annas and all the promises and prophecies that must have moved through the Galileans as they camped on the Mount of Olives desperately praying that Jesus and his twelve rednecks would mount an insurrection against all the graft and corruption of Jerusalem.

Thank God for the bikies. I saw God in leather this morning, astride a Harley, the townsfolk turning their heads in disgust, shielding their young sons and daughters from the disease.

The cross is prepared. He is crucified today as he was yesterday and will be tomorrow as politics, power and piety demand God to submit.

Thank God for his stubborn refusal to be anything else but unconditional.

Until we see the cross

Before we sing again,
before we dance again,
Let our souls be still and silent.
Let’s just stop a while,
to pause and pray awhile,
To look and hear again,
Let our songs be still till then.

Let our dreams be more
than building towers that fall.
All our works his cross has silenced.
And as our hearts are healed,
let our songs reveal
His grace so undeserved,
These songs can now be heard.

Until we see the cross,
until we feel the pain
Until we see the scars
that pierced grace to our shame.
Until we see again,
let our songs be still
‘till then.

When we see his face,
through our broken faith:
Mercy triumphs over judgement.
Wounded hands reveal,
only love can heal
The brokeness we share,
Only wounded hearts can care.

Until we see the cross,
until we feel the pain
Until we see the scars
that pierced grace to our shame.
Until we see again,
let our songs be still
‘till then.

An mp3 will be available at Wild Grace

I am alone with you.
I bring nothing except your love for me.
You stretch above me,
a canopy of mercy, grace and forgiveness.
You surround me on all sides.
In front and behind,
over and under,
without and within,
before and after,
high and low.

you were
you are
and you always will be,
You fill the known and the unknown
all our knowledge is but a grain of sand
yet, you allow our thoughts
to define you,
frail and flawed as they are,
you give us the permission
to discover you.
Like fish in the sea,
we look for the ocean,
and pride ourselves
in our discovery!

Oh eternity,
oh infinite,
oh endlessness,
your searching for me
breaks all the rules
for divinity.
my rejections of you,
breaks every human hope,
you acceptance of me
shakes creation to the core.

And while we still fight you
with our hammers and nails,
worshipping with our outstretched hands
and our eyes to the skies,
you kneel at our feet
with a washbowl
washing your blood
over our ignorance.

Oh eternity,
oh infinite,
oh life and light
and love,
you stretch over me,
as a canopy,
covering my all in all.

I am scared.
I know how to walk,
but my feet
are full of fear.
I can see the horizon,
yet I keep looking back
searching, one endlessly last time,
for the softness
that I longed for
but never found.

My heart breaks,
again,
and again
i summon all the courage
that my confused soul can find
and command my feet
to be brave.

Oh soul,
Oh heavy sad soul,
your tears somehow
mean nothing to me,
your pain,
I've ignored,
your suffering,
I'm deaf too,
your life,
i give to others.

Oh little man,
come home.
Please stay.
Don't let me leave you again.

We can do this together,
see the truth,
grieve for each other.

I am standing on the edge..
again.

I stand at the edge of tomorrow,
the stone cliffs of yesterday
standing guard behind me,
hard, cold and unyielding.
I am pausing, but not waiting.
I am reflecting,
celebrating,
remembering
and rejoicing.
I am standing on the lip,
and the glass before me
is full,
to the brim.
It beckons me to drink
all that is my fill.

"Drain the cup,
in the presence of your past.
Drink the wine of
tomorrows gifts,
prepared for you,
my precious child,
my son, my beloved".

I stand at the brink
of my new beginnings,
and as I pause,
a hand slips into mine,
and I step into my unknown,
fully known.

two chairs
one balcony
and invitation it seems.
is reality ready
for my avoidance

life has her own ideas
and all of us submit
some kicking
even screaming
avoidance is pointless

she weaves eternal fingers
through the fibre of vines
that wild grow together
untrained but so wise

wisdom the gift
that hides within time
between every heartbeat
unoticed she shines

two chairs
one balcony
an invitation it seems.
reality always ready
outside my avoidance