I wonder.

Why is reality so hard to accept. Surely that's not a hard question?
Yet, it seems to me, that it is precisely what I've been
so steadfastly avoiding.
There is another word for reality.
The truth.
I always prided myself on being truthful.
Remarkable really because, in hindsight, I have to admit
that I am quite untruthful.
I use the truth.
I freely confess whatever I need to confess in order to buy
attention, affirmation or respect.
If the truth refuses to submit to this addiction,
I then cover the truth with spin, exageration or just plain denial.
Ok, what I really should say is:
I lie.
Habitually.
Constantly.
Ah, now that's off my chest, i feel quaintly relieved.
Reality must force us to live in the real world. Living in the real world
gives us the opprotunity to be whole, whether we like it or not,
wholly ourselves.
Warts and all.
This morning I wrote two long emails to a friend on the other side of
the continent. The themes of these emails?
Reality.
I think that I must take my own medicine and start be honest,
truthful,
real, responsible.
I must learn to live in my real world, own up to my real life, speak my real mind,
and be the real me....
which is rather funny,
don't you think?
Here am I at the ripe old age of fifty
blogging under an alias.
"Billy"
I am not "Billy".
But..
I'd like to be!

Grrrrr.

Today has been a challenge.
I have lost a friend and I feel just awful.

And so starts my journey into "blogdom".

I am a walker in the dark. This darkness has been my constant life companion
for as long as I can remember.

I have tried to ignore it, medicate it, discipline it, distract it, run away... yes, you get the idea.
Darkness is a very unwelcome travelling partner.

My name is Billy.

Actually, Billy isn't my name, but I really wish it was. It sounds rathere carefree, which i am most decidedly NOT,
but,
in "Blogdom" you can be anyone you like.
so,
I am Billy.

I live alone.

Yesterday I lived with my wife and teenage daughter, and many yesterdays ago, I lived with another wife and our five kidlettes.

But that was yesterday, and, let's face it, yesterday may as well lie in another universe.
Yesterday is as dead as dead can be. It isn't resurrectable...spell check please!!!

Tomorrow?

What the hell? Tomorrow always promises but so often fails to deliver. Tomorrow also turns itself into a totally different creature. Tomorrow lies in fantasy and dreams. Oh yes, we can look forward to tomorrow, filling it full of secret desires and longings. However, when tomorrow arrives, it has changed into Bloody Today.. not the TV show.. it's not nearly as cheezy.

Now, we all know about Today! Today is just yesterday served up with a fresh coat of pretense and a new date. In reality it just feels the same.

So here I am stuck with bloody Today, and the channel changer won't work, i can't turn down the sound and it is far too realistic.

Give me tomorrow any day.

Now.. have I told you about "darkness"?

Perhaps now it's a little clearer.