I am tentatively hopeful,
even though the prospect
of blinking nervously
in the unavoidable attention
scares me.
Again, I will have to tell my story,
except this time there is
so much more to tell.
How will that feel?
Will I again say too much
only to retreat from the shame.
Yes, "There is no judgement here"
but that will require
a heart load of trust,
and courage.

how shallow the darkness appears
when emerging into the light
I have rediscovered colour,
and melody,
my soul skips along
and life reappears.
The terror has passed
and again I rise
to the top of the curve.
the view from here
is of family and friends
and loved ones
and I can again greet them all
with a smile.

Again.

again there is no reason,

no trigger,
no sense.
I am sinking like a stone,
plummeting to the dark depths

until the light recedes from
above.
I am exhausted by this roller coaster ride,
from the highs that barely reach normality
to the bottom,
this heart breaking, soulless, stricken blackness.

if I had tears,
if only I had tears.
I would pour out a bitter torrent,
suppressed fears that lie locked,
forever hidden inside,
beyond touching,
beyond contact,
beyond reach.

and I would howl,
I would howl a wretched beast's cry,
echoing from hopelessness to isolation,
a failing, falling cry
waiting,
again
to hit rock bottom
again.

I'm stuck
and I feel like I am going nowhere.
I'm listless,
immobile, stationary.
I am making a habit
of doing nothing
and nothing leaves me drained.
I am anxious about all that
I cannot control,
trying to read a future
that is far beyond sight.
surely there are answers
but first I need to find the questions.
I'm stuck.
and my mind is still a mutinous beast.

I am dark and brooding.
there is an anger
that simmers,
sizzling like
a red hot pan.
where are the songs now,
I ask no one in particular?
where are those tunes
that have haunted me
for long decades past.
what comfort do your melodies bring.
your words that have so moved others
are falling on my deafened ears.
I am now empty of them
and they are empty of me.
How I long for that sweetness again,
when the notes dance with the letters
and my heart marvels at the miracle.

the knife edge

between darkness and light,

death and life.

I am caught in a whirlpool,
a roller coaster ride
hurtling between

the ups and the downs.

I was enjoying my soul's sunshine,

now the storm clouds gather again.
this relentless see saw
an infernal rocking horse.
I am running with the bulls
shooting the rapids
without life jacket or raft.
So I find myself in
silent solitude,
sitting out the darkness
waiting for the sun.